Castle Freak



Not long after her boyfriend causes a car accident that blinds her, Rebecca is contacted by a man in Albania, informing her that her long lost biological mother has recently died, and as the only surviving heir, she has inherited her estate. Rebecca has zero plans to spend the rest of her life in Albania, but she is interested in perhaps finding out more about her mysterious past and liquidating the estate. So she brings her boyfriend along to help her go through her mother’s home… Only to realize upon arrival that it’s actually a huge freaking castle.


Okay, how did they NOT know that until just now? It’s 2020, did they not open up Google Maps?

Initially they’re both kinda excited (him more so than her). After all, selling the place and everything in it will undoubtedly solve all their financial problems. But the longer they stay there, and the more they keep learning about the proverbial skeletons in the ancestral family closet, the more Rebecca becomes convinced that there’s something very peculiar about that house. And based on some of the sounds she keeps hearing, she’s also pretty sure that there’s someone still living in it.



Castle Freak is an American  mystery horror film from 2020, and is a remake (or, as the poster claims, “A bold reimagining”) of the 1995 Stuart Gordon film of the same name. Apparently this was a point in time when Charles Band got a bug up his butt and decided some of his properties needed a remake, so he churned this out around the same time as that Puppet Master remake. Much like the original film the movie is based on, this updated – sorry, “re-imagined” – version of Castle Freak was produced by Charles Band and Full Moon Pictures, with a little help from others like Fangoria and original 1995 cast member Barbara Crampton (it was also exclusively initially released via Shudder). The film is even scored by Fabio Frizzi, who since the 1970s has essentially had his hand in composing a more than decent chunk of all the horror films coming out of Italy, as well as some Hollywood pictures, including Zombie, Pieces and even a song for Kill Bill: Vol 1. Meaning so far we’ve got an…interesting pedigree going on here. But just like with most of the films with Charles Band’s name attached to it, you can pretty much assume that the film is going to have its fair share of issues with it. And, unsurprisingly, this one most definitely does. Though I will concede that even though the movie has a lot of points that make me dislike it quite a bit, it also has some very nice highs working in its favor.



For starters, I will concede that that movie does look very nice. The picture quality is good. Everything is crisp, and clear, and you can thankfully see everything that’s going on, even in the dark (which is not always a given in Full Moon films). So no complaints there. The location they chose (the Gjirokastër Fortress In Gjirokastër, Albania) is absolutely excellent. It’s big. It’s bold. It’s imposing. It’s basically the perfect place to shoot a dark, moody horror movie. And apparently it’s also open for tours, so if you ever find yourself in Albania you can go and take a look at it yourself (I hear the fee is very reasonable). And it even has its fair share of moments where even the cinematography is beautiful. Not always, mind you, but they do occasionally put in some extra effort, which is always appreciated.





And if you watch horror because you’re a big “blood and boobs” fan, then you’ll probably really enjoy this film, especially if you watched and were underwhelmed by the original. Because  – whoo boy – did they up the quota with this version. People die in a variety of bloody and gnarly ways, from neck snapping to skull crushing. At one point the monster even slices open someone’s abdomen and starts eating their intestines while they’re still alive. So suffice it to say that the castle is pretty much splattered with blood by the time the movie is over.



As for the skin fans, there’s no fewer than… oh…. Imma say five sex scenes in this movie. And I word it that way because they range from the slightly sexy, to the highly creepy, all the way to outright rape. So you maybe shouldn’t expect to be titillated by all of them. They also throw in some other scenes involving pain and blood and even portray those in a very creepily suggestive manner. And of course none of them are integral to the plot in any way except the rape scene, so the movie just added the rest of them in just for the sake of being “bold”. Really there’s such a focus on it that they should have just renamed the movie Castle Sex Freak.



So if your criteria for good horror is that it looks good and contains a lot of blood and sex, then you’ll likely have a good time. But if you’re like me and you look at literally anything else, then I can almost guarantee that you’ll find something (likely more) to be annoyed about.

Oh, let’s see, where to start, where to start?…

Ah! The characters! Do you like an engaging cast, with a variety of intriguing personalities? How about just some likable characters? Yeah? Sound good? Well, tough shit, you ain’t gonna find that here. The characters are painfully one dimensional, with most of them falling into very dull, preconceived categories. John and three of his friends all fit the mold of ‘idiot druggie’. And since the film already had that archetype in John, I’m still not sure why at least two of them were even there, other than to be random auxiliary victims since they had no other purpose or personality of which to speak. Though I will give points to that one gal who tagged along, as she does do her best to also qualify for the ever coveted ‘home wreaking hoe’ category as well. So at least she was putting in the effort of pulling double duty.



Then there’s the guy known as ‘The Professor’. That’s it. That’s his name. Which marks the second time in less than a year that I’ve watched a movie where the film makers simply lazzed-out and named someone “Professor” without giving them the dignity of an actual name. *insert “If I Had A Nickel” commentary here* Anyway, because the movie is leaning much more heavily into Lovecraft this time, he ends up being the “blandly logical” one of the group, the same kind that shows up in just about every Lovecraft-related movie ever made. Except here it’s worse, because he’s not quirky or sarcastic, or even funny in any way. Meaning that, while occasionally helpful, he still ends up being about as interesting as a sack of bricks.



The only one who really has any true motivations or goals, or indeed elicits any level of interest, sympathy or likability at all, is Rebecca. Yeah, part of that is because of her blindness, and thus her extra vulnerability. But she’s also the only one who seems to show any other emotion other than indifference or anger. It also doesn’t hurt that she is played by someone (Clair Catherine) who seems to be the only consistent actor of the bunch (minus a couple of questionable moments considering this is supposed to be a woman who is blind.). A rather impressive feat, considering she only has a couple of acting credits to her name.



As for the story… Ugh, I swear it went out of its way to irritate me at every other turn. Because half of what’s going on doesn’t feel like it makes any sense. And I think the main reason for this, is that the movie is trying to be too much like the Gordon picture. While the thought of doing that is nice enough on its face, it also kinda feels like they may have kneecapped themselves with that decision. Because by choosing to not stray too far from so many of that film’s main plot points, it makes the characters in this movie make some very questionable and at times downright illogical decisions.

Case in point: for a movie centered around a conspiracy to bring the Dark Ones back to Earth (yup, that’s what this movie is about this time), the thing that’s really going to strain your ‘suspension of disbelief’ muscle, is buying that John – a philandering, narcissistic, alcoholic, coke-head – would ever stick around and help his girlfriend after he irrevocably blinded her. If forced to take bets, I might – MIGHT – have given him a week or two before the douchebag bounced. But to stay for a year or more after?… Nah. That’s the type of dude who would have given some shitty excuse then left. And, to be fair, that’s what SHOULD have happened in the Gordon picture. Because once you blind someone with your blatant carelessness and irresponsibility, there’s really no coming back from that, no matter what the other person tells you. But at least with the 1995 version I can still kind of see why that happened. Because I don’t know about you, but I have seen some people do some pretty extraordinary mental gymnastics just for the sake of staying together “for the kids.” So, still dumb, but more believable. But here? There are no kids, they’re not even married, and he’s clearly a selfish ass-hat. So no. I’m not buying that he would still be in the picture, movie. Sorry.


That’s just one step of believability too far.

The thing that really made me scratch my head though, was the whole reason there was a freak in the castle to begin with. Now, in the original film it was just because he was deformed and his mom didn’t want anyone to know about it. So naturally she sent the “good twin” away, and  locked the “bad” one up in the basement… and beat his ass for his entire life before she finally up and croaked (nice lady). But here there’s a whole backstory around incest, what amounts to a doomsday cult, and the freak being necessary for an ancient ritual to bring back the Dark Ones. The only thing is: the mom in this case is an innocent party. She isn’t part of a cult. In fact, it’s the opposite, and all this shit happened against her will. Yet after she gives birth, she is, seemingly, inexplicably left to her own devices, without interference from the cult. So much so that she was apparently able to send her one daughter away without anyone stopping her, despite that kid also being needed for the evil ritual. And there was no one else living in the castle. AND she knew what was going on, and what the cult intended to happen, and again she was totally against it. So the question becomes: why did she even have her kid chained up in the basement in the first place? If she really was that against the Dark Ones ascension, why didn’t she just kill the kid years ago? We see it bleeds, so clearly it’s not immortal and can die. So what was stopping her? Guilt? Did she think God wouldn’t forgive her for the death even if she was trying to save the whole world? Cause honestly I think saving the whole world would be a good excuse to risk it. But I don’t know. It just seems to me that most of this could have been easily avoided if she’d just killed the kid (or done ANYTHING ELSE,  really), sold the castle, and simply moved away herself.


And maybe burned that stupid book while she’s at it.

And that’s just a couple of the big things I noticed in the first 15 minutes! The Lovecraft angle? That’s cool, and actually quite appreciated, since the original concept was initially based on some of those stories. And there’s even quite a few nods to Lovecraft in the background too, like paintings and statues. But ultimately the whole concept ends up being poorly implemented. You have no hint that that’s the angle they’re going for until you’re a good 45 minutes in when they throw the Necronomicon at you, and then you have to wait another 10 minutes for “The Professor” to show up and explain all the backstory. It just feels way too forced and inorganic to the story.



Then you get to the ending and the inevitable horror movie nonsense happens and everyone starts acting like complete idiots. The boyfriend gets hammered and goes off the rails. The Professor goes from ‘interested academic’ to ‘evil scientist’. And even Rebecca, despite all the shit that’s been going on AND fully knowing what the evil book wants from her, suddenly decides that family is important above all else. Which, you know, would be fine, if the movie had bothered to establish this apparent great desire for family at all up to this point. But they didn’t, so it feels random and out of left field. But hey, whatever, right? So she goes with her murderous sister and embraces her, thus calling forth the all knowing Yog-Sothoth. Then while her sister screams monstrously into the air and expels some sort of phallic looking thing from her abdomen, Rebecca falls to the ground, clearly giving birth to something, while the camera focuses in on her whoo-ha with an eyeball peeping out of it. Then the movie cuts to black. The end.

So, boo.

Oh, and then we get a mid-credit sequence where The Professor (oh, NOW they reveal his name!), who has inexplicably survived all this, returns to Miskatonic University. He walks into an office and addresses a man in a lab coat (whose face we never see) and who is standing in front of a green, glowing vial as “West,” suggesting that at some point these fools are thinking about remaking Re-Animator.

Double boo.



Ya know, normally when I get to this point I try to say something nice, like “the film was underwhelming” or something. But in this case, I just… I just disliked it. There, that’s the nicest I can be. And I don’t feel like I’m saying that because I was in some way attached to the original film in any way. Cause I only just watched it a couple years ago, and while I admit I found it enjoyable it still had its flaws. But more importantly the original Castle Freak just feels more like… I don’t know… a sincere horror effort than this updated version does. This movie just feels like it was designed to try to shock you at every turn. Ah, here’s mom, naked and flogging herself in front of an altar. Ah, here she is again, naked and masturbating with that same flogging implement. Except it’s her daughter having a vision of her doing this for some creepy reason. Oh, and now the daughter is going to have sex with her boyfriend while her deformed sister watches in secret and masturbates to them. So it just goes on and on and on… But that’s just not how the ‘shock’ value works in these cases. The ‘shock’ in horror movies only works when it’s earned. When there’s a buildup, or a lull, and then you suddenly get something completely unexpected. Like that one scene in Jaws when Bruce pops out of the water like “Hi! I’m here to eat you!” But when the whole movie is built to be nothing but shock, the ‘shock’ loses all its effect and all those ‘shocking’ moments just wind up being boring by the end. And sadly that’s what happens with this movie. Then add in the loads of bad acting, questionable motivations, and just plain strange story beats and… Yeah, I’m not happy with this one. But hey, like I said, if you just want blood and boobies, you probably won’t care.

Castle Freak is available on a variety of streaming services.

Castle Freak is also available on DVD and Bluray.

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