My Best Friend is A Vampire



AKA: I Was A Teenage Vampire

Jeremy Capello is your typical, red-blooded, teenage male who is currently having some…issues. He’s been having these dreams lately, you see. Specifically a repeating one where he tries to make it with Darla, the cute saxophone player in the school’s band, yet somehow ends up with this mysterious and strikingly beautiful older woman. His womanizing friend Ralph tells him he thinks the dream just means that he needs to get laid. A sentiment Jeremy ignores until he comes across Nora while he’s out delivering her groceries. It’s her! The lady from his dreams! Ralph says it must be fate and convinces Jeremy to take Nora up on her proposition to meet her at her home the following midnight. Which Jeremy happily does.


And he brought Ralph along for moral support.

But in the middle of their little rendezvous two unknown men barge into the house and Jeremy is forced to flee, only realizing after the fact that Nora seems to have bitten his neck. He doesn’t think much of it at first. At least not until he starts getting super pale, begins having strange cravings for meat and blood, and suddenly can’t see himself in the mirror anymore. Even after a helpful vampire named Modoc shows up to try to explain things Jeremy is still firmly in denial. But he quickly starts coming around. Especially once he realizes that those two guys who busted in on him and Nora are actually vampire hunters who now have their sights set on him and his buddy, Ralph. So he better figure things out soon if he hopes to outsmart these two bloodthirsty stake-throwers.



Only my second post of the month and already I’m kinda cheating on my theme I set for myself. But not really, because though the official title is My Best Friend is A Vampire, the ORIGINAL working title of the film was indeed called I Was A Teenage Vampire. And in Australia it was released under the original working title. So because of that I’m including it. I say it counts. In fact, I actually think that it makes MORE sense to call it by its original title, since the entire film is told from Jeremy’s perspective. He even narrates the opening scene. And if we were basing the title of the film on who the main character is, then by the new title’s logic the “best friend” in question would be Ralph. And Ralph is not a vampire. Nor is he ever even at risk of becoming a vampire. It’s only Jeremy. So do you see what I mean when I say that the “I Was__” title makes more sense?


I sure hope so. I feel like I go on illogical ramblings sometimes…

Anyway,  My Best Friend is A Vampire is an American horror/comedy from 1987. And like always, that pesky comedy designation always gives me a great bit of pause. Because in a lot of similarly themed films I end up disliking those suckers, because they usually end up being extremely cheap affairs full of a bunch of stupid or excessively raunchy humor and sucking very much. But to my surprise I ended up liking this film. It does have some societal issues due to the time-frame in which it was released. But overall this ended up being a surprisingly solid film. One that was so good that I was actually surprised I’d never heard of it before. Especially since it has so many familiar actors in its ensemble.



Though I have to admit, some of the younger actors in the film may be harder to pinpoint depending on what you watch, especially considering this movie counts as one of their earlier film roles. The movie stars a young Robert Sean Leonard, who a lot might recognize from his role as Dr. James Wilson opposite Hugh Laurie on House. Darla is played by Cheryl Pollak, who you might recognize if you watched a lot of teen-centric television in the 90s. And Ralph is played by Evan Mirand, who also did some TV work, but was also in movies like Seven and Fight Club. So thankfully the younger members of the cast are fairly decent.

The best part though, is that this seems to have been a film that seemed to know well enough to stack the remainder of its cast with more experienced faces. So next to the teens you have the likes of comedic actors Paul Wilson and Kenneth Kimmins, Rene Auberjonois (Star Trek: Deep Space Nine), and the ever dependable David Warner. But it also, quite interestingly, features an early (and brief) film appearance from Kathy Bates (and you know it’s early because she’s credited as Kathy D Bates) and Fannie Flagg, who would go on to write/publish Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe that same year, which is the basis for the film Fried Green Tomatoes in which Bates famously starred in. So suffice it to say that everyone here is solid and I have absolutely NO issues with the acting in this film whatsoever.


Considering most of the stuff I post here, that’s a friggin’ rarity.

Another point in the film’s favor, is that it looks and acts like a professional production. King’s Road Entertainment didn’t make a ton of films (only 26 from the looks of it), but it looks like the ones they made in the 80s, like The Big Easy and Rent-a-Cop were all pretty well put together. So the typical things I usually complain about, like poor image quality, or things like lighting or sound issues, are non-existent. Everything looks and sounds pretty good. I can see what’s going on in the dark. So that’s great.



Granted, it does help that there isn’t much here in the way of ‘special effects’ to comment on. Most of what’s here is just a few creative camera angles, and some light make-up. But they did have a couple more elaborate set-ups. For instance, I think to pull off the ‘bathroom mirror trick’ they just built two identical bathroom sets separated by a piece of glass that stood in for a ‘mirror’, and had stand-ins facing away from the camera while the actors were on the other side of the ‘mirror’. Which is a simple, but probably kinda pricey thing to do, now that I think about it. But hey! It works! So who cares, right? Not this film, because they obviously had at least a little money at their disposal. Or at least I assume they did, based on the four or five car chases they had (goodness that feels like a lot). Oh, and the fact that they got to blow something up. That kinda stuff is fun, but not exactly cheap.


Look, Not Ralph, just wiggle your jaw at the same time Real Ralph speaks and we’ll be fine.

The biggest ‘ding’ against the film is that it does contain a couple of…. Let’s say ‘questionable’ scenarios. The kind that nobody batted an eye at during the 80s, but almost certainly wouldn’t make it into a film today. One of them involves Jeremy trying to ‘mind control’ Darla into giving him another chance after he screwed up their first date by ditching her at lovers lane (he did it for the right reasons, but still…). But even the movie was smart enough to know how creepy that particular scenario was and basically had her tell him to sod off. Whether it was because Jeremy wasn’t skilled enough with that particular skill yet, or because Darla had stronger mental fortitude than he did is unclear. But even though they didn’t ‘go there’, it’s still a rather unpleasant moment.

The most prominent though is undoubtedly the whole situation between Jeremy and Nora. I know teens often have the hots for people much older than them, but the exuberance in which these boys go after this woman would be considered the epitome of cringe today. As is her keen interest in him despite knowing he’s a high school student. And the fact that she sucked on his finger? Yeah.. No… Ick. What makes it worse though is that it’s 100% treated as normal and not in any way to be questionable behavior (on either of their parts.) I mean, I get that she was just doing it because she wanted a cute snack. But him actively going after a woman twice his age who propositioned him to show back up at his house later that night, AND his friend enthusiastically encouraging it? Yeah, that wouldn’t be done today. Especially with a film that was aiming for any kind of wide release.


Maybe I’ll add this to a gallery next to that picture of John Saxton sucking on that woman’s toe in “My Mom’s a Werewolf”. I think I’ll call it something like “Inappropriate Anatomy Sucking In Children’s Movies”

In the film’s defense though, it was surprisingly progressive in regards to homosexuality. When Jeremy starts going through obvious physical changes and expresses that he’s having ‘girl trouble’, his parents immediately jump to the conclusion that he’s gay. They don’t yell or scream. There are no threats or even tasteless jokes. The next time you see them after coming to this conclusion they’re sitting quietly and reading books like One Teenager in 10: Writings by Gay and Lesbian Youth and Are you still my mother? Are you still my family? Both of which were considered to be rather pioneering at the time of their publication. Meaning that instead of mom and dad making a big deal out of it, they simply accepted it and went to the book store so that they could properly educate themselves about both what (they thought) their son was going through and how to navigate their own feelings on the matter. Because they love their child and they’re just trying to be good parents. Considering the level of homophobia then (and now), that is an immensely refreshing reaction to what they thought was going on.


Now they just need a ‘How do I deal with my son becoming a vampire?” book and they’ll be set.

The one thing that DID irk me about the film was Jeremy’s initial description of Darla. Because he initially talks about her like she’s some unattractive, ho-hum waif of a thing who nobody should give two glances to, let alone be interested in. His opening soliloquy of her is, and I quote: “Juilliard candidate, perhaps. But not what you could call centerfold material. In fact, Darla Blake is not someone you would call, period.”

Ouch! Damn, Jeremy. That’s harsh. But what’s more harsh must be Jeremy’s eyesight. Because THIS, boys and girls, is what Darla looks like –


Darla, my love, I am offended on your behalf.

Yeah. This drop-dead gorgeous woman is the one Jeremy insulted. Clearly, Jeremy is an idiot. Or blind. Perhaps both. And I know this is just what a lot of teen movies do. They put some mumbo-jumbo in the script about how the lead actress is some sort of Plain Jane, and then the filmmakers cast some beautiful gal to play her. Because lord knows a movie is never actually going to cast someone they actually think is ‘plain looking’ to play their leading lady roles. It’s just not done. That role is always going to be played by someone exceptionally pretty. They just put her in a cardigan and/or long skirt, throw a pair of glasses on her and pretend she’s hideous. I guess because they’re all from California and think library chic isn’t a thing (they are wrong). But here I found that trope particularly irksome. Because good gracious it’s like they didn’t even TRY to make her unattractive, and it actually made me mad.


Nope. Even with the glasses she’s still hot. Screw you, movie.

So, dear script writers: Please stop doing this! I beg you! Just have your character say something along the lines that they never thought they’d be into this particular person because she has short hair or something. People have ‘types’. It’s okay. Or maybe have them say they didn’t think they’d be into her because she was a band rat. That’s okay too! I remember high school. Most of those band kids were weird. The people at my school all used to say they practiced incest, because they only dated other students who were in band. In hindsight, it was kind of creepy. But for the love of god, please stop throwing glasses on pretty ladies and pretending that makes them ugly. Thank you. /rant


If we could put a stake in that trope, that’d be great.

So, a couple nitpicks aside, I kinda liked this little coming of age, teen/comedy…thing. Is it perfect? No. For a movie only rated PG it’s a little too focused on sex, it’s vampire lore is very muddled and confusing (Jeremy is initially told he’s the ‘living dead’ and then the ‘undead’ a couple minutes later), and in the end the main conflict (ironically) doesn’t have any real stakes to it (nobody even dies!), and wraps up way too quickly and easily. But for a lighthearted teen comedy this is still pretty good. If I’d seen it when I was younger I’d probably have really liked it. But even as an adult I still kinda liked it. Every joke may not have hit, but overall I still thought it was amusing. So if you want a rather chill teen comedy to watch, this one’s decent (though you might want to screen it yourself before you show it to your younger teens). But if you’re coming here looking for a HORROR movie, then I’m afraid you’ll have to look elsewhere. Because other than a couple of very questionable hair styles and fashion choices, there ain’t no horror to be found here. This ain’t that kind of movie.

My Best Friend is A Vampire is available on a variety of streaming services.

My Best Friend is A Vampire is also available on DVD and Bluray.

Helpful Links: