The Boneyard



Detective Callum has just been assigned a bizarre case. The local mortician Mr. Chen has recently been charged with murder, after authorities find the mummified bodies of three children in his home. Chen claims the bodies aren’t children though, but ancient demons who can only be placated with offerings of human flesh, which Chen says he’s been supplying to them for years with the corpses under his care. Of course Detective Callum thinks Chen is full of nonsense, but his main priority isn’t the man’s claims, but finding out the identities of the children, which Chen has refused to divulge. So Callum enlists the help of his friend and local psychic Alley Oates to help him try to find out who the three kids are. Alley is already depressed enough with her life that she really wants nothing to do with what sounds like a heartbreaking case, or any other case for that matter. But for the sake of her friend and the children she’s willing to give it a shot, and joins Callum on his trip to the near abandoned coroner’s office so she can see the bodies. But unfortunately for them, and the rest of the skeleton crew on duty, Chen’s claims don’t end up just being the ravings of a sadistic lunatic. A fact that everyone in the building becomes all too aware of when they all end up locked in the basement and fighting for their lives against a trio of man-eating monsters during what should have otherwise been a quiet night shift.



Ahahaha! I managed to find another obscure semi-Thanksgiving related horror movie to watch! Some of you might not find that all that exciting, but it means that I’ve once again managed to put off having to force myself to watch Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead for yet another year, so I consider that a major win. Truthfully though, The Boneyard barely qualifies as a holiday film since I don’t think it even gets mentioned in the dialogue. But I think that happens with a lot of other “holiday” movies, so I’m going to let it slide. Plus, considering the alternative I’ll take what I can get. Lucky for me though, I ended up kinda liking this little Direct-to-Video flick. Even if it does end up feeling very disjointed at times.


Look! They put up a banner and decorations! I say it counts!

I’m not sure what the filmmakers were thinking here, but the tone they used for this film feels very… Well, odd. To the point where it honestly almost feels like it’s a combination of two completely separate movies. For the first 40-or-so minutes, the movie feels like it could just be the beginning of any standard police drama. You’ve got an older, experienced detective paired up with the green, doe-eyed New Guy. They’re having trouble with a case so the senior partner contacts an expert. But the expert is tired and disillusioned with all the death and wants nothing to do with it and sends them away, only to come around a few minutes later after some personal epiphany. All of that… Is something very standard and formulaic for crime dramas. It’s also pretty common in action movies too, now that I think about it. But I digress. Anyway, then about  41 minutes in, Alley finally uses those psychic powers of hers that the movie has been building up to, and she sees the zombie-demon-thing-a-ma-bobbers coming to life in the building’s basement  and you finally realize, “Oh, so this IS a horror movie” and the film switches gears accordingly. So suddenly you’ve gone from something that’s slow, grim, kind of serious, and even a bit cerebral, to something that moves a lot faster, is a lot bloodier, and is also a lot goofier. And while the movie does try to bridge the gap between the two portions of the film with an underlying level of light comedy and by including one creepy dead kid in the first half, there’s still a pretty obvious tonal divide between Acts 1 and 2.



And while the movie is listed as a comedy the comedy in question is actually very, ehhh, chill? I guess? It’s still very obvious that certain decisions were made just to try to be funny. I mean, you don’t seriously name one of your characters Poopinplatz while trying to keep a straight face. But while it’s not subtle, it’s also not like the purposefully stupid, over the top kind of comedy that you see in a lot of horror comedies today. It’s a lot more spaced out, for one, and then when it does show up it usually amounts to dark comedy, sarcasm, or it’s just in relation to the ridiculousness that’s happening on screen. And that last part in particular is really relegated to the last 20 minutes of the film, when the film cranks it up to 11 and things really get bonkers. But the movie was 100% aware of this, to the point where one of the actors, in character mind you, sees the giant, ludicrously mutated poodle coming at them after bursting through the double doors and immediately bursts into laughter at the absurdity of it all. So I think it’s safe to say that the filmmakers knew what they were doing.


Remember, it was someone’s job to inscribe that name on that name-tag.


Yes, this is the movie’s final villain. Please enjoy.


Considering the shit night she’s had I’d probably laugh at it too.

One of the things that helps keep the movie entertaining and from falling headfirst into Stupidville is that all the acting is surprisingly very, VERY good. Yeah, you’ve got Phillis Diller in there, and I know she can be polarizing. But she’s not actively doing a comedy routine, so you don’t need to worry about that. And yet she still ends up being pretty funny here, so kinda a win-win all around. But you’ve also got veteran TV and movie actors Ed Nelson and Norman Fell in there too, which is nice. And while Deborah Rose isn’t really known for much she makes for a very solid and relatable protagonist. Plus, it was nice to see a cast that was a bit on the older side, and a main character that was not only a middle aged woman, but also overweight, as opposed to the omnipresent scrawny teens that populate the vast majority of horror fare. I legitimately can’t remember the last time I’ve seen that in a horror movie.


Hooray for something a little different!

Also a highlight of the film: the effects. The really cool stuff, like the giant, mutated poodle, is saved for the end, so it doesn’t show up nearly as much as I’m sure some people would like. But what is present is very impressive, especially for a Direct-to-Video feature. The demon children are legitimately creepy and appropriately ooey-gooey, the monster puppets are cool looking and well animated, and in between those other moments there’s usually plenty of blood on display. Some of what’s there is used kinda sparsely, but what is there is very effective, fun and undoubtedly a film highlight.




Lets give a small hand for the child actors in this film. They did a good job.


I’m just including this so you can see it’s a demon (hence the tail) and not a typical zombie.

All that said, the film is not without its faults. While I didn’t have a problem with it, the pacing for the first half can be quite sluggish when compared to the second, so I know that can turn a lot of people off. And the plot itself is really rather light in the story department, even after the “fun part” begins. There’s also quite a few story and continuity questions I have. Like what in the world a “kyoshi” is actually supposed to be (I looked it up and got nothing beyond Avatar the Last Airbender results), or more importantly: why do the kyoshi-demon children stay the size of normal kids, yet when the others are infected they turn into large, fugly-looking mutants?



Oh, and there are also a couple of small sound issues, like where it just gets cut off abruptly a couple of times. But there’s also this one part near the end where they’re using a forklift to try to get out of the building and… You know, for the life of me I can’t figure out what sound effects they’re using here. I mean, you can hear the sounds of the glass door breaking and the forklift underneath everything, but over-top of that they added something, and it sort of sounds like a lot of different dog barks after they’d been run through multiple ADR filters, but not really? I don’t know. I’ve been around forklifts before and it just sounds very strange.

But other than those small issues I ended up liking The Boneyard. The start is kinda slow, and the two halves don’t gel together all that well, but I think the fun second half more than makes up for any issues I might have with the first. I do wish they had explained the demons a bit more and had Alley’s psychic abilities play a bigger part in the second half instead of being dropped and all but forgotten once the monster showed up (and that the movie had a better closing credits song, because good gracious is that thing cheesy). But – eh – I can live with what I got. And what I got was a fun little horror film with a sense of humor and a lot of heart. So if you want a quick, easy horror movie to watch that has a lot of nifty monster designs, then you could do a lot worse than this. But if you want something more serious or a more detailed plot, then this probably isn’t going to be for you.

The Boneyard is available on a variety of streaming services.

The Boneyard is also available on DVD and Bluray, though most of them look to either be out of print, or imports.

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