Holidays at the Ranch



Kate works at a marketing firm in “the city”. She’s got a busy schedule and is planning on working during the holidays. But since her coworker and mother are both hounding her to “go home”, she reluctantly heads back out to the country to spend Christmas with her mother. But her mom seems to have other plans and is dead-set on hooking her daughter up with her old boyfriend, Matt, the hunky ranch owner who seems to still have a spark for her.


I see they cast the dude with the squarest jaw they could find.

Okay, so, I don’t typically watch films like this, and because of that this one is going to be a little different. A friend of mine and his wife love to (hate) watch these cheesy-ass Christmas-themed rom-coms every year and relay their findings to the rest of us. It’s their thing and I don’t judge them for it (even though I don’t watch rom-coms.) And knowing how much I love to watch crap-tasktic movies he insisted this “American-themed but was totally made in Europe” film be viewed, because he “hadn’t laughed so hard in months.” So, in solidarity, I have watched this bizarre little thing, and shall thus relay my stream of consciousness thoughts that I typed out while watching this…movie….

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“Speak to you later.” Who the hell talks like that? Is mom a robot?

Mom’s also not trying to hide her accent very well. Top of the mornin’, mum!

Yep, definitely European. The cars are on the wrong side of the street.

I spy with my little eye… a LOT of skinny European license tags.

Giant American flag on office wall. ‘MURICA!

“Spend some time with your mum– I mean, mom. Yeah, I was definitely going to say mom.”

Some of the dialogue sounds like it was written by ChatGPT.

…Correction, most of the “dialogue”.

Odd fixation on eating “biscuits, wine and cheese” so far…

Steering wheel on right side of the cars. They’re not even trying to hide it.

“How dare you think I take cream and sugar in my coffee. I take it black! Black! I’m an adult now!” And yet she whines about being asked to go into town.


Subtle

“For now I might go to my bed” Yeah that sounds totally natural. *sigh*

Onion chutney? What American eats onion chutney? What American knows what onion chutney even is?

Yet more mentions of her working in “the city.” What city is it? No idea! It’s a secret, I guess.

Mom is creepily obsessed with hooking her kid up with this guy….

They keep bringing up the dead dad. It’s like the Ghost of Christmas Downers up in here.

They mentioned Boxing Day once, which is more than any American has mentioned Boxing Day EVER in their entire lives.

There’s a suspicious number of American flags randomly popping up in the background….

Movie’s so cheap I think her memory box is made out of balsa wood.

MELODRAMA!

More mentions of the infamous “the city”. Could they really not just open Google Maps and pick one? There are so many to choose from!

More onion chutney! WTF. Eat a bagel!

Here, let me put on my skimpy-est heels to go to the muddy ranch.

Mom is clearly angling for grandchildren with this desperation to hook her daughter up with ranch boy, and she ain’t being subtle about it.

Did he just ask her if she remembered how to use a shovel?

….Nevermind, clearly this was a necessary question.

And now she’s checking out his ass while he’s literally shoveling shit. Please kill me…

That’s not how you pronounce Pilates, Kate.

More talk about “the city”… Everybody drink!

These people really don’t want this gal to have a career and be happy with it.

Gods, this movie reminds me why I hate these films. We’re an hour in and all she’s done so far is done a lot of whining, go grocery shopping and ride a horse. *Zzzzzz*


Seriously, why didn’t you give “the city” a damn name!

The giant, gaudy flag is back! Hurray!

And now mom’s giving out her kid’s address all willy-nilly. I hope this guy doesn’t turn into a creepy stalker.

“The word you’re looking for is minimalist”. No, the word you’re looking for is “we’re renting this space for cheap and if we so much as scuff the floor the fines we’ll incur means that none of us will get paid.”


I see Kate’s style of little black dress is “2 sizes too big.”

They couldn’t even find her a proper slip for that dress. I think I’ve spotted it twice already.

Oops, there it is again…

She keeps having to readjust her dress so it won’t fall off her lol

Oh gods…no….please don’t sing…..

Please stop…

MY EARS!

THE INHUMANITY!


NO! This was not  supposed to be a musical! STOP!

Oh thank goodness. Now if only they’d just stop talking too.

Slip spotting #4…

The lighting in this apartment is very, very odd.

I don’t know why she’s so disappointed he left in the morning. She got a free hat out of the deal and she didn’t even have to sleep with him.


I swear to god, if you sing again…

“Happiness is a feeling” Um…duh? That line isn’t as deep as they seem to think it is.

You know, there’s surprisingly little Christmas in this Christmas movie.

At least they ended it with him wearing an ugly sweater and her finally wearing a shirt that fits.



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And thus this travesty of an attempt at a Hallmark movie ends. I’m kinda impressed how committed the filmmakers were to shooting their vision of an “American” movie in…Is that Ireland? I think it’s Ireland…. Anyway, it doesn’t matter, because you shouldn’t watch it. It’s awful. It’s 93 minutes of nothing happening beyond a couple of people going about mundane tasks and putting too much effort into trying to guilt the main character into moving back home, and then it just abruptly (blissfully) ends. And I guess that ending is supposed to be happy, but considering how Matt kept questioning Kate’s life choices and how he tried to gaslight her into coming home, I’d give their relationship about a month before the inevitable catastrophic break up, ending in Kate moving back to “the city”….wherever the hell that’s supposed to be.

Holidays at the Ranch is available on Amazon Prime. You’ve been warned.

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