Death Rink


Please note, heads do NOT ROLL. At no point are there rolling heads.

AKA: Skateway Massacre

The staff of the local roller rink have a small, impromptu birthday bash for one of their members before getting ready to close for the night. But unbeknownst to the staff somebody with a grudge is lurking about, waiting to pick them all off, one by one. And it all may or may not have something to do with an accidental death at the roller rink some 20-odd years ago.


Sadly, this is the most dynamic image of the place I can find.

Death Rink is a low-budget American slasher from 2019. According to what little I could find out about it, the script was originally written some time in 2007, before being shelved for well over a decade. Why did it take them that long to make it? Who knows. Money…probably. But it’s a little factoid which greatly helps shed light on the film’s timeline. Cause for a while there I was very confused when the hell this movie was supposed to take place. Because while everyone seemed to have a cell phone, how often do you legitimately find a place that has a working payphone nowadays? That people actually use? Not many to my knowledge. So…that’s weird. However, according to a couple quick shots of a poster and a staffing sheet (both of which can be fairly easy to miss), the movie is supposed to have taken place some time in early 2001. So at least that part of the movie now makes a lot more sense to me. But that’s about the only part of the movie that makes sense. Because… hoo wee…. does this film bite.


Even the actors look bored.

Not gonna lie. I think this film is pretty bad, as it virtually fails itself at every turn. I was kinda hoping it’d be better, because the poster actually looks pretty sweet. You know, the colorful one with the beat up looking skater chick holding the axe. It gave off a nice 80’s vibe, and I sorta thought it was gonna be an homage of some sort. But, sadly, that’s not what this is. In fact, there’s not even a cute skater chick anywhere in the film. There isn’t even really all that much skating either, now that I think about it. Nor is there an axe. There is one stabbing, and someone does die via a well placed traffic cone, but – wait, let me double check –…nope, no axe. Pretty sure we don’t even see one other than in that one image. So, sadly, the entire poster is nothing but one big, fat, utterly disappointing lie.


Without the axe they could have at least given us the skater chick. But did they? Noooooo….

Also disappointing? The story. Because it’s virtually non-existent. A lot of the summaries online mention a boy’s death and the possibility of a ‘ghost’, but that’s nothing but a bunch of BS they used to try to make a boring movie sound more fun. Now it does eventually tie back to that boy’s death and how someone connected to it is still mad at the roller rink. But there is no ghost. And the killer’s whole motivation is just… bizarre, to say the least. At some point they claim that their plan was to burn the place down as an act of revenge. Which… Okay, cool. But if that’s true than A) what does that have to do with stalking and killing a bunch of dumb teens who are just trying to vacuum up potato chips and hot dog crumbs? And B) if your goal was simply to torch the place why TF did it take you 20-some-odd-years to do it? Like, I’m not following that line of reasoning AT ALL. Let alone getting a job at the very place you hate, working there for years, and making friends with everyone you eventually plan to kill. I just… I just can’t wrap my head around any of that, I guess.


I’ve heard of the ‘long con’ but this plan is just ridiculous.

But that part of the story really only comprises around…oh… Maybe five minutes of the actual plot. The vast majority of the story? No, sadly it’s not focused around watching the killer mosey about, slowly stalking and killing their victims. That part might – if I’m being very generous – cover around an additional 10 minutes of film. So that’s only 15 minutes of a 75 minute movie. Not very exciting. And considering how lame all the deaths are, I assure you that those parts of the film are even less exciting than your lowest of low expectations. So that doesn’t help the film much either.


Cone Head here is about as riveting as it gets, folks.

Nope. Instead of doing things like setting up a compelling story, or watching the killer stalk their prey, or even coming up with fun kills, what does the story spend a solid hour of its runtime focusing on? You wanna guess? No? Well, I’ll tell you anyway. The answer is: Banal chit chat. Primarily, who wants to bone whom, whom have they already boned, and fantasies of potential boning involving rinks and roller skates (which actually sounds like a nightmare of logistics).


I don’t think you’ve thought his plan through, bro.

In fairness, there are two minor sub-plot involving some ass-hat on the phone who keeps calling to harass the staff and how two of the female coworkers don’t get along for some reason (that is never explained). And there is something about…. Yeah, you know what, no, it’s mostly about the boning. It’s just…absolutely frustrating to listen to. Especially when they throw in lines about not wanting to spend all night closing. Like, seriously? If that’s your goal then maybe quit jabbering and do your damn jobs? With so many of you there it should have only taken you guys around an hour or so to clean everything up. Instead you’ve spent so much time talking, and smoking tea leaves, and having embarrassingly slow skate races to see who gets to clean the bathroom, that it feels like you’ve shaved 5 hours off of my precious life. Yet somehow this movie is only 1 hour and 15-minutes long. It’s like you’ve somehow turned the whole film into some sort of obnoxious time vacuum that makes the prospect of watching paint dry seem like a more enjoyable experience.


Look, I’m all for taking breaks but…


Do you people EVER work?! You could have been home hours ago if you’d quit dicking around.

I’d LOVE to tell you that there was at least one thing in this film where they at least tried to elevate the production. But, sadly, I can not. The nicest thing I can say about the entire production is that it appears to have had decent equipment to work with. Because at least the picture and sound quality are both very good, and you can always hear and see what’s going on at all times.

But will you WANT to see and hear what’s going on at all times? Eh… Probably not. While all of the actors have other roles to their name, they’re all in other low-budget films that you’ve likely never heard of before. Quite understandable, since most of their performances here are either stilted or painfully forced. Couple that with the horrendous dialogue that often tries to be funny and fails miserably, and you have thus created the perfect recipe for boredom.


They’re prank calling better movies.

But the most disappointing part of the film may be the complete and utter lack of effort they put into the visuals. That poster they made? That’s easily the nicest looking thing related to the whole movie. Once you actually start watching the movie it all goes downhill from there. The colors are drab, the framing and angles are boring, and there are too many unnecessary close ups, at least for my taste. And as I already mentioned, even the kills, the one thing about silly films like this that’s supposed to be fun, feel dull and lifeless. They’re often slow and drawn out, feeling more like an excuse to give whomever is currently getting killed a chance to mug for the camera for a couple minutes. You know those slow, exaggerated death scenes in comedies where the person dying over-dramatizes their death for a couple laughs? It’s like that, but slower and without the comedy or skill involved.


You could at least TRY to pretend you’re actually being choked.


“A Security Guard was killed today after being lightly patted to death with a flimsy chain.”

In the end, I feel that Death Rink turned out to be a dud, unfortunately. The acting is mediocre, the dialogue is cringy, and the deaths are about as exciting as watching spilled honey slowly drip from a jar. I feel like there was potential here for fun. It certainly had a decent backstory to work with at any rate. But instead it focused on all the wrong things and then gave us boring, unlikable characters on top of it. If it had simply been a 30 minute short it might not have been so bad. But as a feature film it’s just painfully underwhelming. Good for them for getting it made after so long and all, but unless you’re really obsessed with roller rinks then I think this film is an easy skip.

Death Rink is available on a variety of streaming services.

Death Rink is also available on DVD.

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