Witchcraft IX: Bitter Flesh



Will Spanner is back and desperately trying to figure out a way to warn his girlfriend Keli that she’s in danger from some guy who looks exactly like him. The only problem is: Will’s dead. Ya know, on account of that whole ‘getting stabbed’ thing that happened in the 7th Witchcraft film (sorry for spoilers, I guess.) But luckily for him he’s found Sheila, a hooker with a heart of gold who somehow gained psychic powers after a car accident. She also happens to be the only one who can hear his spectral ass, so he’s kinda limited on options. But hey, Sheila’s game! So he enlists her help in warning his unaware girlfriend that she’s in danger.

Meanwhile, Lutz and Garner are trying to track down a suspected serial killer who’s drugging young women and then expertly cutting their hearts out. The only clue to the killer’s identity so far is a strange symbol intermingled with a bunch of Egyptian hieroglyphics that not even the local professor of Egyptian history can seem to decipher. If only that idiot Will was around to help them with this puzzling case…


Oh, he’s ‘around’ all right. He’s just aimlessly meandering all over town like the schlub he is.

I know that I keep saying that these films keep getting worse and worse, but by god is it true. Cause this one is a real stinker. Almost so bad that I’m tempted to take back all the bad things I said about some of the earlier films. But those were still really bad too, so I’m not. It’s just that Witchcraft IX: Bitter Flesh happens to be way worse. I’ve since read that this is the point in the series where things really started to go downhill, and if so that is a BAD sign, cause this film is pretty dire. Almost everything here feels 10x worse than what came before, so if it keeps getting even worse after this? Oof, are the rest of these films going to be painful.



For starters, the plot is incredibly confusing. Apparently the filmmakers decided to retcon most of the ending of the 7th film, except for the fact that Will is supposed to be dead. But the problem is that you don’t realize that for quite a while. In fact, you can’t even fully tell which parts were retconed and which weren’t until almost the end of the film.

The movie starts off with a night shot of some street, before moving to a creepy art gallery. We go through a couple rooms before eventually panning to two dead bodies on the floor at the foot of some abstract art installations. One of them is apparently William, but it’s hard to tell at first, because he’s almost unrecognizable due to the new goatee and several inches of extra hair on his head. I guess dying causes excessive, spontaneous hair growth or something.


He looks like he’s suddenly going through a Metal Head phase.

Anyway his ‘ghost’ gets up, and as it does his body fades away on the floor. Why? Don’t know. Magic, I assume. But we really have no idea, as it is never explained. Much like most of the ‘magic’ in these films.

But whatever just happened, now Will decides to go for a walk. He does this a lot, so you should probably get used to it. While he’s doing it though, you can tell that the production values for these films have plummeted. Because in between shots of him walking through filthy alleyways the film shows clips of the 1st movie and the end of the 7th movie, interspersed with static still-shots of the opening credits superimposed over some kind of starry night background. Meaning so far we’ve learned that this IS a direct sequel to the 7th film, but the filmmakers couldn’t even put the time, money, or effort into placing the credits over their current film while it plays. The whole sequence honestly feels like an afterthought.



While William continues to go for a stroll through what looks to be the seedier side of town (it’s daytime now), the film checks in on Lutz, Garner, and Keli. Lutz and Garner are called to the scene of the Art Gallery where they discover the body and the place where Will should be, but isn’t. Will magically appears, yells at them a bit, and waves his hand in front of their faces to prove to the audience that they cannot see him (he is careful not to actually touch them though,  cause they don’t have the budget for any kind of ‘fancy’ effects here). We’re still not sure how his body got in the Art Gallery to begin with, because we JUST SAW HIM lying dead on another floor with another man just SECONDS AGO during the credit sequence. In fact, that other body shouldn’t even be there, because that was supposed to be the vampire dude from the 7th film, who got up from his death before Keli pushed him into a swirling vortex of Hell.


Hellooooooo?

Then we check in on Keli, who is standing in some sort of 1950’s looking kitchen that has seen better days. For some reason she has been recast by a much shorter actress with much longer hair (still blonde though). She’s clearly in an apartment. What happened to her and Will’s house? Don’t know. She answers a (non-ringing) phone and mentions that Will didn’t come home last night. So I guess it’s safe to assume that his death is very recent. And clearly she doesn’t remember killing the vampire dude. So I guess he doesn’t exist anymore, even though we saw him several times in the credits, including parts of the scene where he thought he was in Highlander. And she mentions Will wasn’t mad last night, so I guess she doesn’t remember the little incident where he punched her in the face either. But she DOES mention that she’ll kill him if she finds out he was cheating on her, so I suppose THAT part of the overreaching plot has remained firmly intact. So the confusing plot thickens….



Nothing will be clarified for a long while though, because now (after we watch Will aimlessly meander for a few more seconds) it’s time to meet Sheila, who really ends up being the main character of the film, despite Will’s and the film’s persistence to the contrary. Anyway, Sheila’s picking up her umpteenth (the 20th, she later states, though that may have been an exaggeration) Jon for the night and we now get to spend the next – hang on, let me check… – Yes, the next EIGHTEEN minutes with her. First we watch her pick-up the Jon (business negotiations). Then we watch them have kinky sex in the elevator of a run-down looking hotel while the patrons outside grow increasingly frustrated by the elevator’s slow progress…









…Then we follow them up to the even seedier looking hotel room. But the seedy hotel room apparently comes with champagne, so wherever this craphole of an establishment is, I guess it at least has two stars. Anyway, NOW you get to see them have the proper hot and steamy sexy times that the pervs crave, which they begin with a ripe piece of fruit that I SWEAR that chick pulled out of nowhere.


Unless the room comes with an invisible complementary fruit bowl.

But Sheila’s not yet done for the night and picks up another businessman who wants to have sex on the roof. And THIS is finally the point where Will shows his scruffy mug again. Now, what he was doing hanging out at the seedy hotel, I don’t know. But for some reason he shows up and decides he wants to follow these two up to the roof. I suppose the implication is that he ‘sensed’ something about Sheila. But that’s never explicitly stated. Or even hinted at. So what he really ends up doing is spying on the couple like a total creeper until he realizes she can hear him. So as far as we know he had no real idea if she could help him until they were already up on the roof. He just figured he’d get his ghost jollies off while he could.


Look at him back there looking like the little gremlin he is.

So anyway, after that nearly 20-minute detour (jeebus) we’re finally back to the plot! (Hurray?) Which, if you’ve been paying attention to everything up til now, is basically the same story as Ghost, just with a lot more sex and hookers. Will begs for help, and we learn all about Sheila’s past while we’re treated to riveting dialogue like this:

Sheila: “I was in a bad accident a while ago up on Mulholland. I was on the back of my boyfriend’s Harley and…. Well anyway, I was in a coma for a couple of days…. Some pretty scary shit.”

Will: “What happened?”

She JUST told you what happened, you flaming imbecile! Weren’t you paying attention to her big, dramatic moment?! Gods, you’ve always been kinda dumb in these movies, but I think dying has made it worse. Or at least it’s made the dialogue worse. Because half the stuff people say in this movie is absolute nonsense. I think everyone’s stupidity levels in this installment have gone up exponentially.


I swear he even looks dumber.

Anywho, Will’s whiny persistence finally pays off and Sheila agrees to go talk to Keli. But first we get to see Sheila get assaulted by her pimp, because by god, this film has a sex quota and they’ll be damned if they don’t make it.

Then Lutz and Garner are introduced to another dead body with its heart cut out of it and the same strange writing on the wall. So they head on over to talk to a local professor who is supposed to be an expert on the subject. But the things this woman says make me think that I likely know more about Egypt than this chick does. And most of what I know I got from documentaries, so that’s seriously concerning. But that’s probably because she states that she’s a professor of “Egyptian Paleontology”. So when she tells them that she can’t help them with the hieroglyphics, she probably can’t. Because paleontologist study fucking fossils!


Thus confirming to me that people did absolutely NO research for this stupid film. I’m shocked.

Where was I?… Oh, right. We’re supposed to be warning Keli about being in danger. Except Will can’t go into their apartment for some reason. So Sheila looks for her on her own. But she can’t find her and instead of going back outside she decides to go explore the basement. Because that’s normal.

There she conveniently discovers a room with an altar and strange writing on the wall. Then she has to hide when an unknown man comes in draped in robes and makes an offering of a human heart to Khufu (Not the name of a god, just the name of the pharaoh who commissioned the Great Pyramid of Giza. So now I’m pretty sure they just opened a history book and picked the first name they found in it.) and he spouts a lot of nonsense about causing chaos and evil before she’s finally able to sneak away.



Will meanwhile has made himself useful by doing what he does best in this movie: Spying on people having sex.


Sir, you are supposed to be a lawyer. Please show some decorum.

But instead of a hooker on the roof, this time he’s spotted Keli through the window (where the hell was she 10 seconds ago when Sheila was looking for her?) and watches her perform a strip tease and then get all down and dirty with “fake Will” (played by the same actor, even though they try their best to hide his face) while the REAL Will watches on in horror.


*Cue Barry White song here*

He then goes on a walk to mope around town for a bit (probably lamenting the fact that he’s not the one getting seduced in one of these films for once), sending Sheila off alone to tell Lutz and Garner what she discovered in the creepy basement.

But they’re not very receptive to her. Especially since that “Egyptian Paleontologist” showed up again and spouted a bunch more nonsense, confirming how the killer must have the expert skills of a surgeon and the knowledge of a scholar in order to write with ancient hieroglyphics (how would she even know that?) Except she did mention a ‘cult’ this time (finally, she was useful!)… And Sheila’s over here mentioning a bunch of strange symbols she saw on the wall, which we didn’t mention in any press materials, so… Ya know, maybe we ought to do our jobs and go check this place out, Hmmm?


That’s a great idea!

Now we’re finally getting towards the end of this movie (thank the Gods!). Will goes for another pointless walk again (his brooding in this film is truly out of control). We also learn that whoever is possessing Will’s (presumably dying) body is sustaining himself by drinking the heart blood left for him at the sacrificial altar in the basement. Who is this person? Is it Khufu? Someone else? Who knows! He just sucks up some Heart-Juice and ambles away.



Sheila is almost assaulted again by her pimp, Jack. But Will miraculously shows up at the last second to help her. And he does so by possessing her body. I guess to help her ‘fight’. Which is hysterical to me. Because up to this point this schmuck has gotten taken out by a light shove in just about every film he’s been in up til now. Dude can be knocked over by a feather. Yet somehow when he possesses Sheila she becomes SUPER SHEILA, and is easily able to overcome her assailant and kick him out of her (very spacious I wonder how much the rent is on that place) loft.


The art I could do without, but I liked the layout.

We’ve only got 12 minutes left of the movie, and we haven’t seen anyone’s boobs in a while. So let’s fit in one final simulated sex scene (the final of 5, we’re back to a more reasonable number for this film) where everyone keeps most of their clothes on, before we get to the big finale.


Don’t ask about the paint job. Even the characters don’t know what’s going on with that.

Lutz and Garner finally leave the police station (it’s almost been 10 minutes, what the hell were you two doing up til now, eating donuts?) and Keli is finally in danger (took the whole damn film.) Fake Will has knocked her out and taken her down to the altar where the mysterious Robe-Guy is. Fake Will apparently wants him to ‘transmogrify’ him into Keli’s body.


The temptation to be tini-tiny and boobalicious was apparently too great for him.

SUPER SHEILA shows up ready to kick some ass. Neither she nor Will must have been in too big a hurry to get there, though. Because she made sure to change into her Ass-Kicking outfit of leather pants, a crop-top and wedge shoes before they left home.


I see a bra was not part of the Ass-Kicking ensemble…

Something, something, something, Fake Will wants to transfer into Keli because Real Will somehow transferred all of his power into her before he died? (How? WHEN?!) And then you get to hear some of the CHEESIEST evil laughter you’ve likely ever heard. Like something they’d put on one of those cheap, generic ‘Haunted House’ soundtracks they force you to listen to every October for Halloween. Except this is coming from actual people, which easily makes it 10x worse.

Lutz and Garner finally show up. They make a comment on Will’s new digs. It’s abundantly clear that neither of them have any idea that he died, despite being the ones to find his body at the end of the 7th film. They also make a comment on the house he ‘used to’ have, and Garner makes a crack about how it’s no wonder they moved since Will never won any of his cases. So at least the movie has acknowledged the change of location. But that still doesn’t explain how Keli managed to somehow lose that old house in the span of 12 hours. So unless they explain everything in the next.… 4 minutes… I’m afraid my confusion will continue.


I see the dress code for detectives has expanded into mini-skirts and platform shoes. Charming.

SUPER SHEILA is now in the basement and kicking ass!


You can laugh, but I guarantee those huge-ass heals hurt like hell.

And I guess I spoke too soon, because the movie DOES answer one of my earlier questions. Namely, why the hell is Keli’s new actress so damn tiny? The answer? So Sheila’s actress can pick her up off the altar.


They’re throwing me the equivalent of plot bread crumbs at this point, but hell, I’ll take it.

So Fake Will, or Khufu (or whoever the hell this douchebag is) took a 3in wedge to the face and is out like a light. But the other guy? The one the Egypt lady said was an ‘expert’ and a ‘scholar’? Yeah, turns out that was Sheila’s idiot pimp Jack the whole time. Which I’m not buying for a second. But whatever. While he tries to hold Keli hostage to keep Lutz and Garner at bay, Sheila lights his ass on fire and he goes up in a blaze of glory (those polyester robes man… they’re a killer) while emitting some of the most ridiculous death rattles you’ve ever heard.

Lutz and Garner watch him burn to a crisp with mild disinterest and then talk about how they wish solving cases was always that easy, and then some gibberish about petri dishes (WHAT?! WHO WROTE THIS?). Jack’s death has somehow cured whatever was going on with Will and he is miraculously healed from his death (somehow), returns to his body, and reunites with Keli. Hug Hug. Kiss Kiss. I’d love to tell you what Sheila thought of all this, but she’s completely disappeared off the face of the flippin’ Earth and the movie just ends now, so we’ll never know.



Gods, what a terrible story. Have I mentioned the acting yet? I haven’t, have I? Well — SURPRISE! — it sucks! Well, most of it sucks, anyway. The worst, by far, is the guy who plays Jack. Judging by the way he behaves like a cartoon villain and some of the sounds he made there at the end (dear gods), it’s probably not surprising that this is his only film role. He’s the sort of guy who feels like he was only there because he owed the director money or something.

Meanwhile Will’s actor returns from the 7th film, and is about as un-engaging as ever. Keli’s new actress is clearly just there to be another pair of fake boobies. Garner’s actor seems to try to act, but is just very bad at it. It looks like I’ll be seeing him again in the 11th film (yay….). And sadly Lutz’s new actress doesn’t fare all that much better than her partner. The last one at least knew how to act like a cop. This lady is just here for eye candy. Plus her character has gotten a serious downgrade along with everyone else, and that doesn’t help matters. But she’ll be with us for the next two films after this, so maybe she’ll have time to improve by then.


I ain’t holdin’ my breath though.

The best one though is Sheila’s actress, Landon Hall. She has her handful of iffy moments, but surprisingly she also has some pretty decent scenes. So I suspect that some of the issues may be due to the direction she was given and not strictly due to her. Or it could have simply been a time issue, because I’ve read that the film was shot in a whopping FOUR days which couldn’t have been fun. So really, the fact that anyone here managed to remember their lines as well as they did on such short notice was probably a feat unto itself.



And finally, there’s the effects. Other than the fire at the end, there are a grand total of 5 instances of crappy CGI, and all of them involve Will’s ghost. The first is when he exits his body at the beginning of the film, two of them involve Will jumping in and out of an elevator, one is where he can’t go into the apartment and the last one is when he possesses Sheila. All of them are cheap camera tricks, and all of them look cheap even for cheap camera tricks. Thankfully though they’re usually only a second or two, so the audience’s suffering is blissfully brief.





And with that I am officially done with the Witchcraft films for another year. As Witchcraft IX: Bitter Flesh was the last film that Troma was involved with, this seems like as good a stopping point as any. But it’s also getting harder to find these things on ‘legitimate’ streaming services (I got lucky with Fawesome for this one), so to spare my sanity I’m going to wait to pick the series up again next year in the hopes that a certain service releases it from their iron grip. But like I said in an earlier write-up, even if they don’t do that, most of what they have you still have to pay for, and like HELL am I ever doing that. And neither should you. Just take my word for it and spare yourselves. These films are simply not worth your hard earned money. I know some of you might be tempted by the boobies, but I guarantee there is better stuff out there for you that you don’t have to pay for. So if that’s what you’re looking for, go do that instead. And for everyone else…just…go watch a better movie.

Witchcraft IX: Bitter Flesh is available on a variety of streaming services.

Witchcraft IX: Bitter Flesh is also available on DVD, but is long out of print.

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