Happy Birthday to Me



After being forced to leave school for four years due to a tragic incident that nearly killed her and took the life of her mother, Virginia has not only returned to her prestigious private school to finish out her senior year, but she’s also finally managed to get into the “Top Ten” clique, an elite group consisting of the the smartest and most popular kids in school. Her mother would have been so proud! And with her 18th birthday soon approaching, Virginia is looking forward to having more people to celebrate with after all those months in the hospital. The only problem is, as the date for her birthday draws near, the members of her little group slowly start disappearing one-by-one. As she starts seeing strange things and blacking out at inopportune times, Virginia starts to worry that she may be the reason for their disappearances.



Happy Birthday to Me is an American/Canadian co-production from 1981. Unlike some of the other slasher films I’ve watched this month, this one wasn’t just a cheap-y, independent affair and was actually distributed by Columbia Pictures. Meaning that it had a much larger budget behind it (approx. $3.5 million), and I don’t have to complain about the usual nonsense I have to put up with, like poor lighting, poor film-stock, bad acting, or crap-tastic sound, etc. etc… Even better? It was even directed by J. Lee Thompson, who also directed a lot of the Planet of the Apes sequels, King’s Solomon’s Mines, and The Guns of Navarone, the last of which earned him an Academy Award nomination for Best Director. So for once, I’m happy to say that at least on a technical level, I don’t have anything major to complain about. Because that aspect of the film is great. A couple minor dings maybe, but hey, nobody’s perfect. There are even some nice arty shots for the discerning slasher fan to look forward to, which bumps my approval of the film up several notches. Which just makes it even more of a shame to find out that the story has several issues that don’t work all that well in its favor, and knock it back down again.



To be fair, I actually liked the story for the most part. It’s got a psychological angle to it, what with Virginia not really remembering what happened to her 4 years ago and having to slowly piece together the series of events that led up to the tragedy as the plot progresses. Plus, she’s also having memory problems due to the head trauma and the experimental brain surgery, so that just adds to the confusion and doubt. And of course the movie is constantly trying to keep you guessing about who the real killer is and what their motives could be.



But I think maybe the movie was trying a little too hard to keep you guessing, because they reveal the major twists about who the killer is… and then there’s still 40 more minutes of movie left to go! Why? Well, because they’re not done. In the very last scene, with about 6 minutes left to go, they reveal not one, but TWO more twists in rapid succession. That’s right, there’s THREE twists in this movie! And all just so they can make the viewer sit there and go “… What?” Because there’s no buildup to these final two twists AT ALL. There are some hints towards them, yes. But they’re not explicit, and they’re the kind of hints that force you to read between the lines. So it’s a “Why did that happen?… Oh, it must be because of..” kind of situation. So if you’re not 100% paying attention to the film, you’re going to be very confused.


Lord knows Virginia is.

But even if you were paying attention, you’ll probably still be confused, because their big “reveal” at the end still makes very little sense and feels like it came out of left field. Especially when you consider how easy it is to hear rumors in high school, how truly clique-e rich people are, and how logistically hard it would have been to have actually pulled off all the stuff the killer is claiming they pulled off. Add all this together with the “arty-ness” and the inept police investigation, and it almost feels like Happy Birthday to Me is a North American attempt at a giallo masquerading as a slasher. All that’s missing are the striking pops of color and the snazzy fashion and decor choices.


There is at least SOME nice furniture if you squint, though.

The other part that gets me is just how dumb most of the victims are. I know, I know. Most slasher victims are criminally dumb. That’s just how the genre is. Even the smart ones make astronomically disastrous decisions sometimes. But here it almost seems insulting, because these are supposed to be the 10 smartest kids in school. At least that’s what the movie keeps claiming. And I might have almost believed them right before the first death, when the first victim initially manages to get away from the killer by pretending to pass out so that they’ll let their guard down, before jumping up and running away. THAT was indeed a smart move. But then her idea of getting away seems to be to run a scant 10 feet away and then hide behind a pillar or something equally stupid, not once but TWICE, as if the killer couldn’t deduce her location through the process of elimination. It’s truly bizarre behavior in some cases.


*DEEP sigh of shame* Why didn’t you just keep running?

My favorite though, is the death of the jock character, who is killed by a barbell. And not because it was forced down on him or pressed on his throat. No. He died because he picked up the heavy barbell and the killer moved the barbell rest, suddenly leaving him with nowhere to put it. So he just lays there on the bench with this heavy weight hanging in the air over his head while the killer casually strolls over, picks up another heavy weight, and then – again – sloooowly walks back over to him and drops the weight on his crotch, causing him to drop the barbell onto his neck. Interesting death. Horrible way to go. But like, my dude, WTF? I know that the weights were heavy, but why didn’t you just…. Slowly lower it down? Down is the easy part, not the hard part. The killer was being pokey as hell, so you had plenty of time. Or even better, why didn’t you roll to the side and tilt the weight to put it down that way? Even as the most casual of casual lifters, I know that’s what you’re supposed to do in a pinch (note: if it’s stuck in the down position, meaning you can’t lift it up and off of you, then you do the “roll of shame” and roll the barbell towards your feet so you can get out from under it). But clearly this idiot didn’t know what he was doing from the start, because he had the barbell stupidly positioned over his neck to begin with, instead of over his chest, which would have been the proper positioning to work his pecs and attain the gains he likely so desperately wanted.


Boo! Poor form! POOR FORM!

On the plus side though, if you couldn’t tell, the slasher bits were actually pretty good. A couple happen off screen, and one potential victim is inexplicably spared. But overall there’s a nice variety of deaths on display here, with varying amounts of brutality and blood, so the film’s got a lot of nice variation. And since the direction is good and they actually had a budget to work with, some of the deaths are actually quite detailed and atmospheric, and you get to see everything pretty clearly. So while the nudity fans may find themselves disappointed in this one (sorry, ya pervs), I think the actual “slasher” parts of this slasher are pretty solid.



I wasn’t sure how I was going to feel about Happy Birthday to Me, especially considering its nearly 2-hour-long runtime, which is pretty lengthy for your typical slasher. But to the film’s credit, between the deaths and the psychological questioning, the movie moves along pretty swiftly, so the length isn’t really an issue. So my only real complaints are a few abysmal characters and that bizarre as hell ending. Which is kind of funny and painfully cheesy when you think about it. But it’s also the kind of thing that’s going to be hit or miss with people, so be forewarned about that. Personally, I don’t think it’s that bad, but it’s still enough to hinder the film a bit. But even considering that, I still think that this is an above average slasher for the time. So this is a definite recommendation for slasher fans.

Happy Birthday to Me is available on a variety of streaming services.

Happy Birthday to Me is also available on DVD and Bluray.

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