The Shiver of the Vampires



A newlywed couple plan to spend part of their honeymoon in a remote castle in France while visiting the bride’s distant cousins that she hasn’t seen in years. But when they get there the locals give them bad news. It seems the cousins recently met a tragic fate and were only buried just the other day. Still intending to stop by, this time to pay their respects, the couple is met at the castle by the two remaining servants who tell the bride and groom that, no, the cousins are just fine, they’re just working right now. The newlyweds decide to stay on and wait for their hosts, but it quickly becomes apparent that something is quite amiss in this remote chateau in France.


Uh, maybe someone just spilled a jug of Kool Aid?

I’ve heard good things about this movie, and the various posters of it that I’ve seen all imply a high level of sexiness going on, so I was sure it would qualify for my Sexy Vampire movie month. But I wasn’t watching the movie for too long before my high expectations were sent crashing back down towards Earth to much more manageable levels. I mean, I want to preface all of this by saying that I like the movie. I do. Honest to god. It’s moody, and stylish, and gothic, and yes, it is indeed also very sexy. And those are all things that I really like.  But – hoo boy – does Shiver of the Vampires have some oddities to it that I wasn’t expecting.


Couldn’t you have changed first before going to the cemetery?

Now, I know some people really like this movie, so I’ll probably get in trouble for this, but after watching this thing I’ve become 100% certain that this film is supposed to be some kind of low-key comedy. Because there’s just too much weirdness going on here to claim otherwise. In regards to the two cousins, it surely must be true. Because those two are just too bonkers to deny. But especially so in relation to the female vampire. They’re trying to make her sexy and shit, but it’s kinda hard, because that chick just comes across as a ridiculous drama queen of the highest order. The first time you see her she just randomly pops out of the door of a grandfather clock, wearing a flower dress and a headband, before coming onto the (very naked) bride. And I know what they were trying to do. Like, I can totally picture it in my head. They were trying to make her all ethereal and mysterious, while also trying to give her a super sexy entrance. Kinda like the way they’ll have people sultrily stand in a doorway before gliding into a room all suave-like. But that effect is really lost here. Because this clock looks to be around….hmmm….8 inches wide and 5 inches too short. Meaning she’s crammed into that thing like a damn sardine and has to extract herself from the clock before she walks over to the bride and starts getting all touchy-feely. So cue me and my 5-minute-long laughing fit, because the whole time I’m watching this scene play out all I can think of is “This is the worst fucking coo-coo-clock ever. It strikes midnight and out pops a hippie, lesbian vampire. And rather than chirping at you to tell the time, instead she slowly walks over and starts fondling your nubile young body while staring at you in creepy silence.” This is sexy? Is that supposed to be sexy? Because at no point did I find any of that sexy. Cause it’s not. It’s just super fucking weird.


Hang on. Just give me a sec to pluck myself out of this thing and I’ll be right there to grope you.

And the bride just makes it worse, because instead of reacting in any normal fashion – like running, or screaming, or throwing something at this crazy clock-bitch, or even just showing the mildest amount to shock – she just stands there with her modesty sheet (which she’s holding rather immodestly) and asks, “Oh, who are you?” Like it’s a totally normal thing for a full-grown woman to jump out of time fixtures at the stroke of midnight. I swear to god, I think she finds this behavior quaint. In fact, I know she does, because the vampire chick does this “grand entrance” thing two more times and the bride seems increasingly excited by each upcoming “surprise” which somehow ends up being even more ridiculous than the first. The second time she flourishes herself out from behind the bed curtain wearing little more than chains and strips of cloth (which is, admittedly, a slightly sexier entrance if you’re into body chains and shit). But the final time she does it she slides down the bloody chimney like fucking Santa Clause wearing a 70s go go outfit and I…. I just can’t with this chick. And of course the bride is just absolutely enraptured by all this bizarre tomfoolery, and I…. I don’t know. Either this girl is a freaking head case and really needs to get out more, or there’s some truly odd shenanigans regularly going on down in good ‘ol France that makes me a little concerned for our revolutionary compatriots.


♬Chim chiminey, chim chiminey, chim chim cher-ee  ♪

And I know, upon reflection, that the main reason for all the issues is that this is a rather low-budget film. But even taking that into consideration, parts of the movie are still rather…rough. The soundtrack is, from what I’ve read anyway, a form of prog rock. And I’ll have to take those people’s word for that, because to me it just sounded like a group of musicians constantly tuning their instruments to varying degrees of success until the last few minutes of the film, when they finally (mercifully) actually managed to put a whole, cohesive song together. But that’s assuming of course that there was any background music to begin with, because there are some scenes that are absolutely silent, which in some cases is better than the alternative, cause some of that music is annoyingly repetitive.

These guys, however, I WISH had been more silent.

But what about the acting and the plot, you say! To which I reply….eeeeeehhhhh? The story is often a pain in the ass to follow along with. You do ultimately figure out most of what’s going on. But only “most”, because while some of it can be hand waved away by the surreal vibe the film was going for, you’re still gonna walk away from it with a lot of unanswered questions. Like, WTF were the cousins doing hunting vampires? Why are they so obsessed with the bride? Why is the vampire lady so obsessed with the bride? Why was she in that clock? Why the fuck is her coffin out in the middle of the damn yard? What’s with the servants’ obsession with large candelabras and gossamer gowns? Who was that naked guy they just killed in the church? WHAT IS HAPPENING!?! *sigh* There’s so much that just feels so random that I’d still love to know more about what the hell is going on. But that’s not gonna happen. And the acting doesn’t help clear anything up, because most of it is stiff and wooden, or in some cases too quirky to ever have a chance to clear anything up. So you’re basically SOL here.

When a vampire has an unspoken death wish…

The one thing the film does have going for it is atmosphere. Confusing though much of the film may be, I must admit that the surreal vibes coupled with the visuals makes this a very pretty and visually engaging experience. The colors are lovely, the cinematography is striking, and you can tell that a lot of shots were carefully planned out. As a result, this is a surprisingly relaxing film to watch despite it being filled with a bunch of callus, murdering bloodsuckers. The downside to this though is that the pacing can often be wonky as hell. For every instance where there are long, rolling scenes of insipid dialogue, there are about two equally long stretches of film where the viewer simply watches characters walking around and…that’s it really. Absolutely nothing is happening. Absolutely nothing is said. The focus is just to stare at all the pretty colors and imagery. Which, in fairness, looks very nice and works well for what the film was going for. But it will likely be maddening for people who like to watch movies so they can see people, you know, DO things.

Do things beyond “silently staring” at shit, anyway.

Again, I enjoyed The Shiver of the Vampires, but goodness is it choppier than I expected. I liked its visuals and laid-back nature, as it reminds me a lot of classic gothic horror films. But the story, and the music, and the acting are all…well, a bit rough. And I realize that some of that is 100% intentional. But I can also see how some people could find it off-putting, or even annoying. So it’s really a film aimed at a certain kind of audience. Namely the hoit-y, toit-y, artsy-fartsy ones. I’m sure they LOVE this movie. But for more general audiences who are looking for more than pretty colors, cool castles and boobs, it might be a harder sell. So choose accordingly.

The Shiver of the Vampires is available on a variety of streaming services.

The Shiver of the Vampires is also available on DVD and Bluray.

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