The Vampire Happening



AKA: They Only Bite at Night

Hollywood actress Betty Williams has just inherited a castle in the middle of Transylvania. She heads to the estate with the intent of taking a look at it before selling it, and her sudden appearance nearly gives the caretaker Josef a heart attack. Apparently Betty is the spitting image of her great grandmother, Baroness Clarimonde Catani, a local celebrity who was reported to be a vampire seductress. Intrigued by this bit of family history Betty decides to stick around a little more and do some digging…specifically near great grandma-ma’s crypt. And, wouldn’t you know it, turns out those old stories were right and the Baroness really was a vampire. Go figure. Or perhaps its more accurate to say she is a vampire, because now the old dame is walking around like her descendant’s bloodsucking doppelganger and causing mass amounts of confusing shenanigans for Josef, Betty and her new boyfriend Jens, and the whole undead debacle culminates in a giant vampire orgy starring none other than Dracula himself.



So my intention this month was to watch some vampire films. But not just any old vampire films. No. That would be too easy and when the hell have I ever done that… Instead I decided this month would be dedicated to nothing but sexy vampire films…. made in Europe…. from the 70s. Which I realize is oddly specific, but hey, what else can I say. I’m odd (which you should already know if you’ve been following this site in any way).

Anywhooooo….I decided to start with this one because the description said it was a “German Classic.” But what that description didn’t tell me was that the movie also happens to be a comedy. Specifically a parody (or satire, whichever word you prefer) of the vampire genre itself, and the Hammer vampire films in particular. That…wasn’t at all what I was aiming for this month. But I didn’t turn it off because once I hit play on a film I am locked-in and dedicated, quality and original intention be damned. Luckily for me though my sacrifice this time was not in vain. Because The Vampire Happening also happens to double as a sex comedy. So my Sexy Vampire theme was miraculously (kinda) maintained. Go me!



Now, whether you’ll find this film’s brand of sexy appealing (or comedic) depends on you, but you’ll get a taste of what’s in store right off the bat, because the sexiness starts almost immediately. Betty hasn’t spent more than a single night in that castle before she goes “You know, I think I find the story of my bloodsucking ancestor intriguing, so I’ll stay here a bit. And, whelp, can’t be bored…what to do, what to do…Oh! I know! I’ll get myself the first man I see…There’s one!!” At which point she proceeds to shove her chest against her bedroom window and flash her assets in the direction of some unsuspecting monk from the seminary across the street (because unlike all the other castles in Transylvania, this one isn’t remote). And said monk, so taken is he by this stranger’s random act of sexual harassment, then becomes so hot and bothered that he runs into the nearby woods and has hallucinations of the local vegetation coming onto him with provocative roots and sexy tree limbs. And despite how silly it sounds, I assure you that none of that is an exaggeration. That is 100% how the movie starts, and then it stays at that level of ridiculously silly sexiness for the remainder of the film. With the exception of Josef, just about everybody is a randy horny-toad and that’s how the film likes it. So if you’re not amused by anything you see that the beginning suggests then…uh…it doesn’t change any, so I don’t know what to tell you? It’s a silly sex comedy that’s about 2 notches away from being a full-on slapstick, filled with numerous buxom babes and several jokes that I’m sure some people will find mildly offensive (though most of that can be chalked up to the time period, as everything else seems to be in good fun). But thought provoking this picture ain’t.


Unless said thoughts revolve around topless women.


Stupid sexy trees!

Considering the kind of film this is, the acting is probably exactly what you would expect. So be prepared to see a lot of overacting and exaggerated facial expressions to go along with all the cringe jokes and corny dialogue. Pia Degermark does a good job in her dual role of sexy vampire and sexy great-granddaughter. Thomas Hunter does fine as her well-meaning, but slightly awkward schoolteacher boyfriend. And Yvor Murillo gets the pleasure of being the bumbling caretaker, running around trying to deal with all the damn vampires while all the idiots around him call him crazy and keep trying to sex each other up. Nobody is bad (it’s kind of hard to gauge “bad” in films like this), but nobody is really great, either. Of course, just about everybody beyond the three main characters is basically treated as an afterthought, so it doesn’t matter much anyway.


Poor Josef. This is how he goes through the whole movie.

I…uh, don’t really know what else to say about films like this. I mean, the overall dub is okay, but there are also a few technical downsides to worry about, like some spotty direction and a rather low-budget feel thanks to the film’s poor print quality. But ultimately this is the kind of movie that falls into the “acquired taste” category. You’re either going to like it or not, and it’s not anywhere as good as some of the better known sex comedies of that era. It doesn’t have anywhere close to the energy or wit of something like Animal House and it sure as hell doesn’t have the style or panache of Rocky Horror Picture Show. But it did make me laugh a few times, so it’s not all bad either. It’s just a silly, easy little film to watch that was meant to poke fun at the vampire genre and to showcase the lead actress’s pretty face and lovely.…assets. In both cases it does so swimmingly, and even throws in a few dozen more assets for those who are drawn to such things. Is it some highlight of the parody genre or sex comedy? Nope, not even close. But it’s amusing and easy enough to watch once you realize that the film is purposefully trying to confuse you regarding whether or not the character you’re looking at is supposed to be Clarimonde or Betty (they even make a joke about it.) So if you like lighthearted silliness coupled with some raunchy humor, then The Vampire Happening isn’t a bad pick. It ain’t great, but it ain’t too bad either.

The Vampire Happening is available on a variety of streaming services.

The Vampire Happening is also available on DVD.

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