Rumpelstiltskin

Somewhere in the 1400’s Rumpelstiltskin is being chased down by a mob after having spun some straw into gold for some poor woman… and then promptly running off with her small child. This is a very old story. You should really know how it goes.

After retrieving the baby, one of the villagers curses the super strong, soulless imp and turns him into an ugly, golden jade-like statue with a very specific set of conditions that are needed in order to break the curse and free him from his tiny green prison. Queue the arrival of a recently widowed single mother living in modern day (1990’s) Los Angeles with very questionable taste in interior decorating…

The intentional campy-ness of this film can barely be contained. Rumpelstiltskin’s lines are almost solely comprised of one-liners. Except he’s just been transferred from the 1400’s, so they all sound like one-liners from that annoying, geeky guy in high-school who was always a little too interested in following the Renaissance faires. Lines like, “The maiden hath escaped into a horseless carriage,” or “The future is hard on thy throat,” and finally “Fuck-eth me!” abound with no shame.

The acting in the majority of the movie is usually over-the-top and leaves much to be desired. But you get the feeling that everybody knew that they were making something ridiculously silly (what with Rumpelstiltskin loosing his head and his body crab-walking after it), so it feels like everyone was sort of just going with the flow in this production.

Gore is used sporadically and inconsistently. In some cases it’s quite graphic, but in others the camera cuts away, either during the act and only showing the result, or cutting away entirely and leaving the outcome of the situation to the viewers own imagination. I’m sure this was done for budgeting reasons, but the inconsistencies make those latter instances in the film feel unfinished or misplaced when compared to some of the more graphic moments.

Really though Rumpelstiltskin is about as campy as campy can be which, depending on your preferences, is either going to be awesome, or downright awful. The acting will make you shake your head, the dialogue is cringe inducing, and some of the inconsistencies and plot holes, (like how the hell does the little devil know how to ride a motorcycle, let along an 18 wheeler?) will make your head spin. Some people might find it hilarious, but perhaps not for many of the reasons the filmmakers were hoping. Unless, of course, you really like the movie Leprechaun. If that’s the case, then you’re in luck, because both movies were made by the same director. So if that level of cheesy-ness is your jam, than this be your shit, homey.
Rumpelstiltskin doesn’t look to be currently streaming anywhere.

The movie is available on DVD.