Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale



Some Russian and American excavators are doing some mysterious digging up in the Korvatunturi mountains. Two of the local boys from the nearby town sneak in to figure out what it is they’re digging for, and discover that the excavator’s benefactor is convinced that the mountain they’re currently digging on isn’t a mountain at all, but instead a large burial mound to history’s first Santa Claus. Young Pietari is initially excited by this news, but after he does some research he realizes that the original Santa wasn’t the jolly old elf depicted in today’s media. Instead he was more like a horrible monster that stole and viciously punished and/or killed (and possibly ate) all the little misbehaving children. In short, the dude was terrifying. But it should be fine, right? I mean, the ancient “Santa” has been buried in that mountain for centuries now. It’s not like he’s just going to get up and start running around the second after they dig him up… Right?


Ummmmm…….

I’ve been wanting to watch this little Finnish film for a while now, so I was super excited when I finally found it streaming a couple of months ago. But I held off watching it because this is a Christmas movie, damn it, and I hate it when those little bastards start encroaching on my other holidays (for the love of god, give it a rest, Hallmark). So I held off until December to watch it, lest I call myself a hypocrite. But hey! It’s December now, and I’m in a festive mood, so let’s dig into the joyous, monstrous (and now timely relevant) festivities.



The first thing you need to know about Rare Exports is that it’s a horror/comedy. So this isn’t an instance where you should expect the film to take itself too seriously. I mean, I don’t know why you would, considering the movie is about evil Santa and his naked elves, but I feel it only fair to point it out because some people have odd expectations for these things. But it’s also not the type of horror/comedy that’s trying too hard and likes to throw its comedy in your face with the not-quite-so delicate force of a sledgehammer, either (I’m looking at you, slasher parodies). Instead its focus is on the much more subtle and situational “WTF is going on/This is completely ridiculous” type of comedy. The type where you’re much more likely to chuckle through much of the movie, rather than outright laugh at it. Which is nice, because it lets you focus more on the silly story instead of the silly things the people in it are doing.



And speaking of the story, it’s actually pretty good. If you couldn’t tell by the subtitle “A Christmas Tale”, the movie also has a wholesome family angle to it, in the form of the bond between Pietari and his father, and how Pietari uses this event as an opportunity to exert some independence, stand on his own, and grow up, yadda yadda yadda. You’ve seen these things before. You know what I’m talking about. It’s all very sugary sweet and only mildly cheesy. Just the kind of sub-plot you’d expect to be shoved into your standard yearly Christmas film about a young, motherless boy who gets teased and picked on by his friend, when all he’s trying to do is warn everyone and save Christmas. Except it would never air on Hallmark or its ilk thanks to all the aforementioned horde of naked elves running around towards the end of the film. Because as amusing as it is to watch a bunch of scrawny, bearded men uncomfortably run around through the snow in the buff, something tells me that those stations would frown upon the hundred+ separate instances of blatant male nudity.


Behold, a rare roaming pack of aged outdoor enthusiasts in their natural habitat. Majestic.

But other than the purposefully cheesy “coming of age” type moments, the film is astoundingly well put together. The film looks and sounds great, with mostly practical effects on display and only a couple of brief moments of questionable CGI that have the potential to distract the viewer. The acting is also on point, especially from the younger cast members, giving the film some weight and making it feel more authentic. And, perhaps most importantly, because this is also a horror movie and not just a seasonal comedy, the film knows not to skimp on the creepy moments either. The untold number of slain reindeer, the abandoned excavation site, the missing kids, the voiceless elves that can “smell” children… It’s all there, and the movie knows how to space it out and use it effectively, without making it feel too dark, and without feeling forced to resort to jump scares. Turns out subtlety can be effective. Who’d have thunk it?



I wasn’t sure exactly what to expect from Rare Exports. When I saw the rating I was expecting something more bloody like Dead Snow. But beyond two instances, the film is actually pretty bereft of the red stuff, and most of that actually comes from animals, not humans (that’s my blatant warning to animal lovers). I was also expecting more overt humor thanks to the comedy tag. But I was pleasantly surprised to find that the movie was a lot more subtle and grounded. In short, the movie wasn’t what I was expecting at all. But I’m perfectly happy with what I got, because what I got was a fun little Christmas tale. It’s not perfect, mind you, as it does take a while to get going and it also has some pacing problems in the middle. But I think the final third of the film makes up for it, and the movie ultimately ends up being an enjoyable little ride. So if you’re tired of watching the same candy cane Christmas tales, or bored by the lame grinchy-types that half-heartedly threaten to ruin Christmas every year, and perhaps would like to watch something that still has a villain but isn’t quite so bloody or dark, then maybe consider giving Rare Exports a try.

Rare Exports is available on a variety of streaming services.

Rare Exports is also available on DVD and Bluray.

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