The Astrologer

AKA: Suicide Cult

The astrologer Alex Abernel has come up with a foolproof method of consulting the stars in order to identify particularly dangerous individuals who could become legitimate nation, or even worldwide threats. Now heading a secret government agency, Abernel has used his method to pinpoint Kajerste, a particularly nasty and enigmatic Indian cult leader who has managed to convince his followers to commit suicide for him. But as he learns more about Kajerste, Abernel realized he may be a far bigger threat to the world than he initially realized, a miscalculation that could bring the cult leader right to his doorstep and right into the path of his beautiful new wife, Kate, a woman that Abernel has his own mysterious suspicions about.

What? The cute blond chick is suspicious? Perish the thought.

Maaaaaan…. I don’t even know where to start with this film. You ever watch something that you had no idea where they were going to go with it, yet also found it compelling enough to keep watching just to see what the hell they were building up to, even though you already suspected that it probably wasn’t going to be worth it? Cause that’s what watching The Astrologer (not to be confused with another film about a conman, also called The Astrologer, that was released the same year) feels like. It’s a strange mix of astrology, cults, Catholicism, and CIA intrigue (of all things) that you’re 99% sure, pretty early on in the movie in fact, isn’t going to work or make a whole lot of sense… And, shock of all shocks, it really doesn’t. But the concept is so ludicrous and illogical, and in some cases often downright random, that you feel compelled to see it through to the end, just so you can confirm that, yes, despite the film’s decent presentation for a low-budget flick, it is the weird horror trash you thought it was.

Honestly though, the most annoying thing about the movie is seeing how ridiculously easy it was to change a plane ticket in the 1970s.

I knew this film wasn’t going to be a hit after the first couple scenes. Because every time a new scene started up there would be one of those newsticker-like things at the bottom informing you of the date and time. And I tend to dislike those things in general cause they feel kinda lazy and are often in ugly-ass fonts. But I especially disliked its use in this instance because A) being informed of the exact date and time wasn’t in any way necessary to the story, and B) it kept happening so frequently at the beginning that I was concerned there was going to be some sort of quiz afterwards. There wasn’t, of course, but the film’s obnoxious insistence towards informing you of the near hourly events taking place on screen was merely a hint at the movie’s true obsession: to have the characters explain the entire plot in long, boring dialogue exchanges, half of it littered with jargon that the movie just made up. So I hope you have decent listening skills and you like sitting around while you watch all the characters on screen sit around and slowly explain the story to you, because that’s pretty much 90% of the entire film. You’d think something involving murderous cults would have a bit more action, but no…. It’s just talking.

Okay, that’s not 100% true. There are maybe, uh, four or five scenes where people are actually, you know, doing stuff other than monologuing. But they happen so fast that you risk missing them if you so much as blink.

For this movie, “slowly backing up” counts as an action scene.

But other than the dull story and slow pacing that’ll make you feel like you’re increasing your lifespan by hours instead of the 80 minutes it takes to actually watch the movie, the film is actually pretty competently made. Especially considering that it was director James Glickenhaus’ first film, it was financed primarily with only $20k of his own money, and that he pretty much admits that he had no earthly idea what he was doing. Certain parts of the film look and sound just fine. The picture quality might be a little grainy and the sets are so flimsy and cheap looking that it looks like a really inexpensive TV production, but for a low-budget 70’s film that’s not too unsurprising. But then other parts of the film have really shoddy framing, and it’s apparent that they must have had some sound issues, because several characters are clearly dubbed. Apparently at some point it seems like the production ran out of money and a lot of the crew walked off the set, leaving whoever was left to carry the load. So perhaps that helps explain some of the inconsistencies. Or maybe it doesn’t and no one knew what they were doing. Who knows. On the plus side though, the soundtrack was composed by Brad Fiedel, who would go on to work on larger studio productions like The Big Easy, Fright Night, and the two Terminator films, so at least that part of the movie doesn’t suck.

God I hate this font….

So yeah, The Astrologer…. Exists, I guess. It’s the kind of movie that had more ambition behind it than ability. Like, it’s got a lot of good and even interesting ideas behind it, and you can really see them there just below the surface. I mean, the general story it presents is intriguing. But the way that all of it is presented either makes it feel stupid, illogical or as dull as a rock…and that’s coming from someone who likes rocks. Like, seriously, why the hell is a US congressman suddenly participating in an undercover CIA stealth mission? It’s clear he has no idea what he’s doing, so why let him go? What was even the purpose of him being in India in the first place? Why did Kate think it was totally normal to disrobe for a freaking Tarot Card reading? Even her husband thought THAT was stupid. And, perhaps most importantly, if the cult leader can hypnotize people, why didn’t he just do that to any of the soldiers to avoid getting captured in the first place? Or even use it to grow a more effective army of minions? I mean, really, WTF is wrong with people in this film?

Answer: Probably a lot.

But at the same time I can’t say the movie is boring, because the story is just too weird to be completely boring. Between the confusing melodrama, the exposition, the forced stock footage, the creepy close-ups of the main antagonist, the many characters’ epically illogical actions, and the sudden shots of naked Playboy Playmate Monica Tidewell, there’s always something happening in this film. It’s just sad that most of it happens in the dullest, or most illogical way possible. And to top it off, the film is also made just competently enough to not fall into the “totally unwatchable” category. If you’re a fan of the very specific combination of Christianity, cults, and government conspiracy that this movie is based around, and can deal with the low-budget-ness of it all, then this film might appeal to you. But for most everyone else, I can’t imagine they’d find too much to enjoy.

The Astrologer is available on a variety of streaming services.

The Astrologer is also available on DVD and Bluray.

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